Coping with Michael Jackson’s Untimely Death

Today marks the day that Michael Jackson moonwalked off this mortal coil, leaving the rest of us here to reconcile the man, the myths, and the legacy of his music. He spent a lifetime in the spotlight, for better or for worse, and his contributions to our cultural discourse have hit an equal number of high and low notes. Despite what you might think of the man’s personal life, Michael Jackson made an impression on every single person who ever cared about music, and that includes you. So in an effort to help myself (and everyone else) navigate these uncertain emotional waters, I submit to you these tips for coping with the King of Pop’s untimely death.

Darth Vader Receives a Father’s Day Phone Call

It’s a sad truth that Darth Vader died before reaping the rewards of fatherhood. No father-son picnics, no games of catch in the park, no family barbecues in the backyard; not even a chance to properly celebrate the day that honors all the world’s patriarchs: Father’s Day.

In honor of this year’s Father’s Day, I submit to you a transcript of the Father’s Day phone call that might have transpired if Darth hadn’t succumbed to the wounds he incurred while saving the life of his own son, Luke Skywalker.