Overheard
Darth Vader Receives a Father’s Day Phone Call
June 21st, 2009
“Come to The Dark Side, Luke.”
It’s a sad truth that Darth Vader died before reaping the rewards of fatherhood. No father-son picnics, no games of catch in the park, no family barbecues in the backyard; not even a chance to properly celebrate the day that honors all the world’s patriarchs: Father’s Day.
In honor of this year’s Father’s Day, I submit to you a transcript of the Father’s Day phone call that might have transpired if Darth hadn’t succumbed to the wounds he incurred while saving the life of his own son, Luke Skywalker.
[Phone rings.]
Darth
[SKHHHHHHSSSSSSSSSHHHH] What is thy bidding, my master?
Luke
Dad? Dad, it’s me. Luke.
Darth
[PSSSHHHHHHHHHKKKSSS] Luke. Luke Sky-wahk-uhh.
Luke
Yup, it’s me, Dad. Happy Father’s Day!
Darth
[KKKSSSHHHHH] Join me, Luke.
Luke
What’s that? Are you out somewhere? I was just calling to wish you a happy Father’s Day and make sure you were adjusting well to your new digs here on Tatooine. I’m actually in town for the—
Darth
[SSSSHHHHHHKKKKSSSS] Join me.
Luke
Join you? Where are you?
Darth
[PSSSSSHHKKKK] Come to The Dark Side.
Luke
Dad. We’ve been over this. You know I can’t do that. I’m really into this whole Jedi hero thing and I think there’s a real future in it—have you seen the merchandising I’ve got lined up?
Darth
[KKSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHUUUUUHHHH] Come to The Dark Side, Luke.
Luke
Jesus, Dad! What does it take to get through to you? I’m just not cut out for the Dark Side! I know that’s probably a huge disappointment to you, but it’s the reality we have to inhabit. How many more times are we going to have this conversation? In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m a grown man, Dad. I’ve killed tons of swamp rats, I’ve slayed a giant Wampa, I’ve slept inside a Tauntaun, and I’ve flown countless successful X-wing missions. I’ve survived just fine without you thus far, and I’m willing to continue down that path and forget all of this father-son bullshit if we can’t have a single conversation without you trying to convert me to the fucking Dark Side. It’s not going to happen, Dad.
Darth
[PPSSHSHHHHKKKKKSSSHHH] Luke, The Dark Side is a bar. I’m at a bar on the north side of town and I’d like you to join me for an alcoholic beverage. [SSSSHHKKK] The choice is yours to make.
Luke
[awkward silence] Well, color me embarrassed. I thought we were talking about, uh, how you…
Darth
[KSSSSHHHHHHH] Join me.
Luke
I’ll be over in thirty.
[Click.]
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TJ
LOVE it… ‘Luke, The Dark Side is a bar.’