Tape Reveals Steven Spielberg’s Insistence on Thirteen Aliens for Indiana Jones

Are you sure about this?

Am I sure? I’m Steven-fucking-Spielberg, you tit. You’d think my name was Steven-fucking-Guttenberg the way you just came at me with that question. When I say we’re putting aliens into Indiana Jones, you say, “How many?”

Okay, Steven. How many?

Thirteen. I need thirteen aliens to make this thing look right, and I want their bones to be made out of crystal, just like their skulls—got that?

Got it. Crystal bones.

Now, I want you to arrange these aliens in a circle like they’re involved in some kind of old alien ceremony or some shit, and I want you to make it look real mystical, with elaborate carvings on the walls around them and…wait, where are we putting these aliens, again?

I’m not sure, Steven. To be honest, we’ve gone pretty far off script ever since you suggested Shia LaBeouf’s vine swinging scenes and the guy being eaten alive by a giant mound of ants.

Fuck it. Let’s put those aliens right inside an ancient temple. No! Wait! Even better: their alien spaceship is the temple! These damn aliens are sitting around their own fucking spaceship, only it looks like some old-ass Aztec ruins. Is someone getting this down?

Wait a second. Am I to understand that we are now going to re-write the ending of this film for a fourth time? I thought we had settled on the idea of erasing evil by casting the skull into the fiery heart of a volcanic mountain. Steven, this is starting to—

I don’t give a high-flying flip about whether or not we write it a hundred times over so long as we get it right. And right now I’m having a vision that is showing me the way forward on this film. I won’t stand for some rip-off Lord of the Rings ending where Indiana Jones suddenly gets religion and dumps the crystal skull into a lava pit. If that makes me the bad guy on this project then I’m willing to shoulder the burden.

I’d just like to point out that the Lord of the Rings ending was your idea in the first place; the third idea you had for how we should end this thing.

And so now I’ve just had the fourth idea and I’m telling you that this is the one. This is it. Don’t you see how it perfectly wraps up the film? This crystal skull that they’ve been tracking all this time is just one of thirteen. These thirteen crystal alien bodies have been sitting around inside this temple-spaceship-thing, waiting for their buddy’s head to be recovered so that they can return home.

So Indy and his gang battle to bring this thing all the way back to its proper resting place, and when they finally attach that fucking skull to that old alien’s neckbones, the whole place starts going to shit. Walls start crumbling, everyone’s freaking, the whole place is spinning because the whole god-damned temple is a spaceship. And so everyone hauls ass out of there just in the nick of time, just before the damn thing lifts off of earth and sets a course for the stratosphere. Now go ahead and tell me that isn’t compelling cinema.

Okay. So that’s it, then? That’s how we’re closing the film? I just want to be sure we’re getting this down and that we can go ahead and move forward with production.

Unless someone else with more Oscars than me walks through that door in the next five seconds and blows my mind with something better, we’re going with my gut on this one. You tell me if this ‘ol gut has been wrong before.

Remember when you thought we should have Tom Hanks speak Bulgarian in The Terminal?

GET THE FUCK OFF MY SET!