Memo to the Future
The Future of Weight Loss Product Pitches: Halloween Edition
October 31st, 2009
Melt-Off: the weight loss product that will have you SCREAMING for more!
My teevee tells me that weight loss products are all the rage—a man can’t watch an enjoyable hour’s worth of terrible daytime television without hearing at least one snake oil sales pitch. Each commercial is as interchangeable as the last, but despite the homogeny they must be connecting with an overwhelming population of easily manipulated souls because these horrid commercials continue to be made. Marketers of the future, please: can’t we mix it up a little? Let’s move beyond the side-by-side stomach comparisons and give me a reason to enjoy your paid-for interruption. Perhaps something timely and relevant? Holiday themes, for instance? Feel free to use the following thirty-second commercial as a future template.
Tanya
How’s a woman supposed to maintain her GHOUL-ish figure with the holidays fast approaching? It’s hard enough avoiding everyday ham-BOO-gers and french FRIGHTS—now I’ve got to worry about Thanksgiving TERROR-keys and Christmas hams!
Announcer
Stop worrying and start SCARING away your weight with Melt-Off 5000, the latest advance in pill-activated pound melting! With our patented formula and proven success, you give us thirty days and we’ll give you a body to DIE for! Mu-ah-hah-ha-haaaa! Here’s just one SPINE-TINGLING cus-TOMB-er success story:
Vanessa
I tried it all: expensive exercise equipment, dietary programs, pills, powders, shakes, and other supplements (like heroin), but all of them gave me GHASTLY results; I was HAUNTED by my weight and nothing seemed to work! Then I tried Melt-Off, and within days I watched nearly twenty pounds literally melt off my CORPSE-ulent frame. Men who were HORROR-fied by me before Melt-Off would KILL to be my date today!
Announcer
Don’t wait! Call now to secure your order and start me-HELL-ting away the pounds. Give us thirty days and we’ll give you SPOOK-tacular results! Remember: just like your will to live, this deal will eventually EXPIRE. Mu-ah-hah-ha-haaaaaaaAPPY HALLOWEEN!
[Note: this was a general excuse to use an unyielding string of poorly-constructed puns. I genuinely think the weight-loss advertising world would be doing themselves a favor if they skipped the professional babble and went straight for the funny-bone. The world needs more terrible puns.]
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